Going through some of these posts, it's seems unreal in a way. I'm not even the same person who wrote this blog, for the most part. There are bits of me I recognize, yet our life is so different today from when I started blogging. My children are all grown up! One is 23, an RN and married with a little boy on the way. One is a sophomore in college for Illustration here in WNY. The 4 babies are ages 11, 12, 14 and 17. It's just unreal to think about how my life used to be when I was writing these posts.
Some things are similar, I am still at home. Every time I think about perhaps going to college and starting a career I realize how much I am actually needed. I mean I am kept busy! I am constantly driving my daughter to college now that she is commuting this year. That alone is ridiculous, especially when her classes are hours apart from each other.
Sometimes a boy will miss the bus and I am able to solve it easily, or someone is sick and needs to be picked up. Imagine having to be late to, or miss work over it. ugh...I don't have to imagine that hard. I was a single mom to two tiny girls, and everyday just to make it on time to work within the lousy 30 minute allowance and back to the daycare after work was so difficult. I didn't work in town after all but a good ways away in North Hatfield (day care in Holyoke).
All I ever wanted in those days was to be able to take care of my babies and not leave them with strangers, or anyone else for that matter. To take care of my home. To have a God-loving man to share my life with. I have been blessed with all of these hearts desires. In some ways I grieve, knowing my failings and wishing I had done better with all I've been given. I wonder why I still struggle with self-worth and loneliness, why I feel so stuck, instead of just being able to settle into my role and this life I've been given.
I very carelessly and hurriedly took this photo this past August right in our driveway. A flower doesn't strive or struggle it just does what it was meant to do, even in the unlikeliest of places and sometimes hostile environments. It doesn't over-analyze, question and doubt itself to death. It simply blooms. It was an inspiring message to me and I'm glad I didn't miss it.
Sometimes looking forward requires a look behind, to remember from whence we've come. I'm extremely grateful to my mom for lending me her car in order to work back in 1997. She's always been a sacrificial giver. I don't know anyone else like her. Her generosity to me, helped me to help myself and my girls. It was also what allowed me to meet Mike in the first place, at work.
I am forever grateful to Mike as well, for everything he's done for me. For loving me so well, and believing in me. For believing in my value enough to want me for himself and his children at home. It makes me want to do and be better.